IF ONLY I WERE A LITTLE BRAVER (A PAINTING BORN FROM DREAM)

scribbled journal page - if only I were a little braver LilliBean Designs, Kirstin McCulloch

The Dream

This painting didn’t come from thought, a feeling or any of the usual places my inspiration tends to arrive from.

It came from a dream. (And yes, I know only the dreamer thinks their dream is interesting)

But, in my dream, I was showing my latest painting to a crowd and talking about it. I remember looking at my painting, which was of a woman, surrounded by flowers and a pink background. In the bottom corner was a small raised heart with the word brave written across it.

I was asked what the name of this painting was. I replied, “If only I were a little braver.”

On waking, I grabbed my journal and scribbled it down before heading out for a walk.

And then I forgot about it. A couple of days later, I remembered the dream and dug out my journal. I remembered the painting and the feeling I had in the dream, standing there talking about the painting. What if I put the paint on the canvas?

What if I sketched it?
What if I just sat in front of the easel and let this painting appear?
What if I were a little braver?

I think the dream had already told me everything that I needed to know.

progress of the painting- if only I were a little braver LilliBean Designs, Kirstin McCulloch

THE PAINTING (PART ONE)

Behind the scenes, there is a collection I am working on that I am actively avoiding. I’ve done the research, I have the canvases in the studio, I have the first thumbnails sketched, and yet it sits still in my workbook, waiting for me to be a little braver and start the collection.

I can’t tell you why I am procrastinating this collection – maybe it feels too big, too personal, too audacious, but whatever it is, I haven’t done anything but think about it since February.

So this dream painting became a rather fabulous distraction from the collection I am actively avoiding

At first, everything flowed, the colours, the surprising layers showing through. Unusually, I was happy with the first sketch; the paint flowed, everything was coming together, until I sat down to add the flowers from my dream.

And it felt like I ran into a brick wall face-first. The whole time I was painting, I was unsure; it was clunky, the colours felt jarring, and I hated the flowers the dream showed me once I put them on the canvas.

After four frustrating hours, I hated every part of it.

And, I debated giving up, after all, I just wrote a blog post on the beauty of giving up projects that weren’t working for me, but I kept remembering the dream, the feeling, the words, if only I were a little braver kept swirling through my thoughts.

SYNCHRONICITIES AND SIGNS

I have always been a big believer in synchronicities and signs, and I have talked about it extensively regarding my artistic journey. And while ignoring this painting on my easel, I started having all kinds of universal nudges to keep going.

I woke up one morning with the words “She remembered she was brave” echoing in my mind
I pulled tarot cards referencing decisions, bravery and making the big leaps.
I heard Sarah Bareilles’ song “ Brave ” randomly on the radio.
My mum rang and started talking about a radio segment about bravery she’s heard that day.
I spoke with a friend over coffee who told me to be kind to her (my painting) because she was looking pretty good.

And I knew it was time to put on my big girl pants and start again.

THE SHIFT

I still wasn’t painting braver so yes, I was procrastinating again. I was in the middle of playing in my sketch book (check out what I made in last week’s article here) when I realised that I had a solution all along.

One of the big blocks I was having was what if I ruined the painting when I loved ninety per cent of it, by trying to cover up the hated flowers.

So, while I was messing around with inks and gold pens and collage, I remembered how I would work in my COVID sketchbooks, no rules just play.

Lightbulb moment.

What if I recreated ‘braver’ in one of those sketchbooks, and made some changes. So I opened an old sketchbook and began recreating the painting.

an alternative path. progress of the painting- if only I were a little braver LilliBean Designs, Kirstin McCulloch

I think part of the problem with my large canvas was threefold.

One: I haven’t painted a larger canvas since ‘Dreamer’ and since then, I have completed 44 oracle paintings, and so my style has changed a bit. I think seeing her on my easel is a little off-putting for that reason (yes, I know this one I need to get over)

Two: The flowers weren’t mine. I was using a reference photo that was like the flowers in my dream, but didn’t feel like me. In my sketch, the one in my Covid diary, those flowers are me, and they work much better.

Finally, I had a new idea for the heart, which I was stuck on and is different from my dream, but like the flowers, which was ok too. I didn’t have to recreate the dream painting exactly to honour it.

And I realised that bravery wasn’t finishing the painting – it was simply continuing it.

Final view of the painting- if only I were a little braver, LilliBean Designs, Kirstin McCulloch

THE PAINTING (PART TWO.)

Sitting down to paint after this time, felt equally terrifying and liberating. Would my changes work on the canvas? Would I like the end result?

I realised that I had to stop thinking about the painting as a whole, and just focus on this section, this brush stroke, this shadow.

Which is what I did until the very last brush stroke on my signature.

VIEW THE PAINTING DETAILS HERE

Once I sat back to look at the final painting, I realised that during this whole process of painting, feeling stuck and painting again, I had kept mulling over the same question:

What would I do if I were just a little braver?

What would I create?
What would I say yes to? (More importantly, would I say no to?)
What would I finally begin?

I think this painting is really about remembering that bravery rarely arrives all at once.

Sometimes bravery is simply the next brushstroke.
The next conversation.
The next small yes.

And maybe we already carry the courage we need, and this painting is the reminder.

And honestly? If this painting has taught me anything, it’s that I need to stop procrastinating on that collection I have had on my mind since February and begin that too, because I have all the bravery I need to start those paintings.

I hope she reminds you of your own bravery, too.

“If Only I Were a Little Braver” is now available as an original painting and as prints in three sizes.